In another galaxy away from my blog for many months, I have been reclaiming my true self mentally. I had to withdraw from the world in order to get off a very powerful and destructive antidepressant I had been on for 16 years.
DISCLAIMER: This is my story and I am not endorsing that antidepressants are bad and everyone has to stop talking them. Please follow your doctor’s advice. Never stop cold turkey. It’s extremely dangerous.
Okay so I have been on psychiatric medication since the 1960s off and on. The reason was I had childhood trauma. They have been helpful for many of those years. However, I’m 65 now and many things physically are different. The last 16 years on the last medication was actually too long and I was becoming less productive in the last year. I started to experience more fear and anxiety. Less creativity. Withdrawal from people. More drugs were added and I got worse. I was under the drug spell. Believing that the drug was better than no drug. Until I went to pick up the latest drug and the pharmacist said the co-pay was $283!!!! For one month!!!! Faced with maintaining the suppression of depression or paying rent and eating I pushed the drugs back to the pharmacist and said “I don’t need these thank you “. Called my psychiatrist and said I’m over all these chemicals that are making me feel numb. I m over being dependent on meds that have me spellbound. So she didn’t try to change my mind and she agreed to wean me off.
It took 5 months of being dizzy, having brain zapping, leg pain, insomnia, anxiety, days when I couldn’t leave my house because I was not able to feel grounded. But today it’s 46 days clean!!!
46 days and I am seeing that I am not a depressed person. I stopped being depressed after I went back to doing my art. I do experience down times which is life but I embrace them. I am using exercise, diet, mindful practice, and walking in nature as my antidepressant. Another thing I became aware of was the depression I experienced had a lot to do with the anxiety of my untreated ADHD. So now I’m just treating my ADHD with less medication since I have stopped the antidepressant. I’m a different person today.
I did accomplish some wonderful things last month. A successful art show and sale. Preparing a iPad art workshop for the National Association of Women Artists for June. And this summer I am mentoring a 10 year old girl in art. And I negotiated a workshop for young men leaving prison to learn to create art on their iPads. The organization is called Getting Out and Staying Out.
I am the Jedi Artist who has returned!
THE ART SHOW
THE WITHDRAWAL PAINTINGS
I was jolted out of sleep with this compelling phrase:
“STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF”. The title of a 1962 Broadway show starring Anthony Newly.
Why did this phrase wake me up? I’ve never seen this show but that title is running through my brain cells lately. Of course now that I’m awake I Googled the synopsis of the play. It’s about a average guy called Littlechap who gets the daughter of a wealthy family pregnant. Doing the right thing, he marries her but doesn’t love her. They have a family and he becomes a upperclass man due to his wife’s family. And he never is involved with his wife or family. He realizes how he’s lived a empty deceitful life and comes to his senses. That is basically my synopsis.
Interesting, it’s always a story of reaching VIP status. The desire to enjoy the view from the top. In the end missing life’s true treasures of relationships.
As an artist I have been challenged supporting myself in my art. I was teaching painting but I only had a few dedicated students. There was no interest and the class was cancelled. But I realized that I teach a very special type of painting class. I’m a very professional artist and I have the ability to get people to explore their inner artist. They replaced my class with a coloring book class! The world is so broken
But today people want to wallow in their problems and they are watching news and getting sick from the politics of the presidential campaign. I have no TV and I don’t read newspapers. There’s nothing I need to know and my friends usually let me know. So the point of this is to keep trying to reach the suffering souls.
I a working on a group of paintings around the theme of escaping into landscapes. It is a new vision where I have now put people into my landscapes. We all need peace and quiet. Stop the chatter. Nature heals.
Experimenting with iPad to insert figures into orignal art
Experimenting with iPad to insert figures into orignal art
So that’s where I’m at for today.
Enjoy Anthony Newly singing “Once In a Lifetime” from Stop the World
I painted a still life (not my best work – done during my class in 2 hours). I started to play with it on my subway ride with my iPhone. Here’s the results:
original acrylic painting
People think art is not for them. It is only for talented artists. Art is mysterious. It’s messy and too much trouble. The bottom line is art has become a unnecessary part of life. And we have separated people into creatives and non-creatives.
I’m determined to address this myth and encourage people to engage in art as a way to create a balanced mind. It can be visual art, music, dancing, singing or writing. Creativity and imagination can improve the quality of life.
Stop listening to the news and start doing ART!!!
I have created a very inspirational painting class in the Bronx.
The last few weeks have challenged who I am and where am I going as an artist and blogger. It was not pretty but definitely enlightening to say the least!
Crashing and burning is a sign for me something needs to change. That thing is usually ME.
I was trying to learn how to be a successful blogger and business owner. After listening and researching hundreds of podcasts and listening to an overload of coaches who had different versions of the basic idea (you need them to get it) I found myself concluding that I am a definite loser at the game.
This morning was the culmination of my life as an artist blogger business owner. . . “I’m a recovering starving artist!!
I froze and lost all belief in my vision and gave up on everything that I have done successfully.
So Fearless Artist Blog is really about getting my courage back. Acknowledge my imperfections of learning disabilities and ADHD but not let them take me down.
I will keep challenging and celebrating ME. Face the world and speak my truth. Define my success of perserverance and let my voice about art is for everyone ring out.