In another galaxy away from my blog for many months, I have been reclaiming my true self mentally. I had to withdraw from the world in order to get off a very powerful and destructive antidepressant I had been on for 16 years.
DISCLAIMER: This is my story and I am not endorsing that antidepressants are bad and everyone has to stop talking them. Please follow your doctor’s advice. Never stop cold turkey. It’s extremely dangerous.
Okay so I have been on psychiatric medication since the 1960s off and on. The reason was I had childhood trauma. They have been helpful for many of those years. However, I’m 65 now and many things physically are different. The last 16 years on the last medication was actually too long and I was becoming less productive in the last year. I started to experience more fear and anxiety. Less creativity. Withdrawal from people. More drugs were added and I got worse. I was under the drug spell. Believing that the drug was better than no drug. Until I went to pick up the latest drug and the pharmacist said the co-pay was $283!!!! For one month!!!! Faced with maintaining the suppression of depression or paying rent and eating I pushed the drugs back to the pharmacist and said “I don’t need these thank you “. Called my psychiatrist and said I’m over all these chemicals that are making me feel numb. I m over being dependent on meds that have me spellbound. So she didn’t try to change my mind and she agreed to wean me off.
It took 5 months of being dizzy, having brain zapping, leg pain, insomnia, anxiety, days when I couldn’t leave my house because I was not able to feel grounded. But today it’s 46 days clean!!!
46 days and I am seeing that I am not a depressed person. I stopped being depressed after I went back to doing my art. I do experience down times which is life but I embrace them. I am using exercise, diet, mindful practice, and walking in nature as my antidepressant. Another thing I became aware of was the depression I experienced had a lot to do with the anxiety of my untreated ADHD. So now I’m just treating my ADHD with less medication since I have stopped the antidepressant. I’m a different person today.
I did accomplish some wonderful things last month. A successful art show and sale. Preparing a iPad art workshop for the National Association of Women Artists for June. And this summer I am mentoring a 10 year old girl in art. And I negotiated a workshop for young men leaving prison to learn to create art on their iPads. The organization is called Getting Out and Staying Out.
I am the Jedi Artist who has returned!
THE ART SHOW
THE WITHDRAWAL PAINTINGS
In the past few weeks my painting has morphed into an abstract landscape that is a new style from my impressionist one.
The truth is that in the last 4 months I’ve been withdrawing from a very powerful antidepressant after being on it for 16 years. Last year I realized how it was making me worse and I am not depressed anymore. So powerful is this drug that my brain has zapping which feels like electrical shocks are piercing the cells. I’m dizzy, have brain fog and my legs cramped so badly I couldn’t walk for 3 weeks. But now the real me is emerging. I can finally feel myself coming out.
So I actually did this painting in withdrawal. And I also did the previous painting in withdrawal. And the experience was a struggle to focus my vision (blurred vision was a part of withdrawal). But here it is. I believe the real me is finally emerging.
THIS IS THE FINISHED PAINTING!!!
HOW TO GET OFF THE HINDENBURG!
My mind is still spinning. How did so many people drink the Kool Aid???? We’ve lost our minds.
The challenge is existing in a country run by a narcissistic sexual predator for 4 years. I’ve been afraid to post my feelings of this election but this is MY blog so I can do whatever I want. However, I’m not going to give attention to the future “Not My President “.
As an artist I am guided to help the pain in the world by creating beauty again. I don’t want to do anything political in art. I want to paint serenity in a time of darkness. My art has never been motivated by politics. My paintings are to escape insanity and to remind people that there is beauty.
I’m a mature artist so I will leave politics for the younger generation. The generation that tells me my art is “over the couch art “. Great I’ll take that market. I’m not proud. A lot of people like pretty paintings.
Anyway, my point is the lack of creativity and culture in our country created this mess. A creative mind would never have been led down this path. The mind that thinks creatively would see and hear the bullshit. The way out was limited but the choice made was a misinformed one.
A creative mind sees a bigger picture. A creative mind experiences life with multiple options. It is not led by others. That’s why people think artists are strange. Different.
My mission is to get people to start creating. I want them to start to think like an artist. No talent needed. Just an open mind. Unlock imagination. Let go of fear and worry. Look at beauty again. Love people. Stop comparing. Stop complaining. The call to action is start thinking about what’s really important to you and your community. Don’t go down the rabbit hole with toxic people. No one has the power to take away your thinking. Your decisions. Your life. Your country. We gave over our power and listened to lies. We only heard what we wanted.
As an artist I have to get people to get their own minds back teaching them creativity. I have to create paintings of beauty.
THE WORLD CAN BE BEAUTIFUL AGAIN IF WE WORK TOGETHER.
A few of my “over the couch” paintings.
August 12th I had carpel tunnel surgery on my right hand. It’s my dominant hand. So I took the time to relax and heal. However, it eventually took me down the mental rabbit hole. I ended up depressed, lonely and blocked creatively. It was like my mind was empty. A dust bin.
I couldn’t think and forget posting on my blog.
Weeks were passing and now I have feelings of failure. I want to write a blog post but I feel stupid. It’s been forever. I’m a terrible blogger with an artist block!!!!
And then I realized that my blog is about coming back from an artist block. Isn’t life always about the comebacks.
The artist comeback can be a Phoenix rising. A new path, a different story. And actually I have a new theme I started in my paintings. I have added figures to my landscapes. The figures are faceless children ( they are me or you) and they are escaping into landscapes. This is the first of a group that I will be working on.